Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Spagyric experience

I'm rather thankful for the path I've chosen here as well. And this beautiful alchemy that we managed to bring forth to our reality. We managed to transmutate our energy gathered from our past and present experiences into this wonderful new state of being. Now we are beyond excited to meet this third entity that will embody what is us!

"This is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love: the more they give, the more they possess."
-R. M. Rilke-

Monday, November 26, 2007

Here, Have Some Thanks, On the House

So this Thanksgiving was a little different than all other Thanksgivings, needless to say. Different in that this year I feel completely overwhelmed with gratitude. Not only am I incredibly thankful that Mimi is alive to see another Thanksgiving (something we weren't sure would happen last year at this time), but I'm also unbelievably thankful for the new family I am building. This sturdy little tripod that is my everything. Its something that's completely beyond words but which fills every single cell of my being. Something than is innate in nature, but beyond that is built upon the backs of many a loss, many a violation, many a life challenge. And you know what? If it all brought me here, to this place here and now, its all completely worth it.

[editor's note: to the bulbous bloody mass of mucous that used to be my nose, for the record, I am not thankful for you. You are making me miserable. Please stop throwing tantrums and running all over the place. Can't we live together in harmony? Please?]

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

30.5 Weeks

Why do I decide to take pics after an exhaustingly long day? So that I can look this bedraggled. It takes effort you know.

All Belly (and a little lipstick to look a little less like death)

the park across the street from our apartment this morning

So as I promised, here are some long overdue belly shots...and what a belly to shoot, huh? I was thinking the other day how much I'm going to miss it - how much I have grown to love this baby belly and what's inside it. I will miss the kicks and pokes and squirming around that have become so much a part of every day. I actually miss it when he's asleep now! I will also miss this wonderful little bit of time when its just us- it will never be just him and me again. I feel like its something so special and wondrous and beautiful.

That is until he jumps on my bladder, ramming it with all the force he can muster.

Which happens at least twice a day, if not more.

Still, I am remembering to enjoy this fully.

I think he likes it best when I speak to him in French.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Taking Ownership of Our Birth Experience

My blood pressure is down. Way down. And in hindsight, it wasn't really that high to begin with, its just everyone overreacted and panicked.

I just thought I should start with that since I totally left on a cliff hanger and disappeared into the scary world of hospital panic never to be heard from again. Only that's not really quite how it happened. Its more like I found out the following Friday that I did not have preeclampsia and thus was given the all clear to fly to New York for a deposition that was scheduled for the following Tuesday. Which I did, the next morning. Yes, after a week of partial bedrest, I was then immediately thrown into the mayhem of last minute travel and four fairly nonstop days in the city that is determined to raise your blood pressure at any and all costs. Not to mention the stress of a 6 hour deposition followed by more scrambling to get to the airport and fly home. And yet, after all that, my blood pressure was significantly reduced the next day upon my return home.

So what changed?

Well, my attitude, for one. I decided to stop worrying about it, plain and simple. I think it also helped immensely that WB and I had decided to call the home birth midwife and just investigate our options.

This isn't something I've even written about here, because frankly I didn't want to hear any one's opinions on the subject (for the record, I still don't), but for a great majority of the pregnancy I've been struggling with this major decision between home birth and hospital birth and failing miserably at trying to come to a place of peace regarding a hospital birth. This is due to a great many factors including my great mistrust of the medical model of care (I was misdiagnosed with Graves Disease 4 years ago and was harassed and made to feel like a completely irresponsible moron for not agreeing to let them fry away bits of my thyroid with radioactive iodine when it turns out the whole time it would have been completely unnecessary as it was an erroneous diagnosis). But really the main issue here is rooted in the fact that we've spent so much time in hospitals over the past year and a half with Mimi, that we are beyond tired of hospitals. Hospitals are where you when you're dying of cancer. And I'm not dying of cancer, I'm not even sick. I'm just having a baby- the most natural thing in the world that women have been doing for thousands of years with their wise women midwives without the aid of technology.

So last week, whilst my entire brain leaked out through my sinuses (what fun, especially when 30 weeks pregnant) we took the leap and are now hoping for and shooting for a home birth with the legendary home birth midwife here in River City. This is what I have really wanted, at the core of my heart, for many many months now. In taking this step, I took ownership of my birth experience, and honored myself and my needs. And wow is it empowering! And relieving! I can't even begin to explain the euphoric waves of relief that poured over me once it was finally done. Am I a bit scared? Yes, of course, labor is hard work and it will be painful, but a home birth is far less scary to me than a hospital birth. So much fear and anxiety just simply evaporated once the decision was made.

There is still a chance that we will end up having to be transferred to the hospital, but we will cross that bridge if and when we get to it. And if that happens, I will trust that it was absolutely necessary, and not overreaction or mere protocol. In the meantime, we look forward to welcoming our son in the warm comfort and peace of our own home.

Our own home that I'm frantically nesting in.

Yup, the nesting instinct seems to have magically kicked in, with only 10 weeks to go and a huge laundry list of things I'd love to do. This week's fun has mainly consisted of asking WB to frame and hang artwork...about 10 million different times, since every position I vehemently insist upon then seems totally wrong to me and must be rectified immediately. I am very lucky that WB is an infinitely patient man. Luckily reinforcements are on their way, and Chanteuse will be coming in for a long weekend in early December. I'm already planning on putting any and all holiday decorating in her expert hands, as well as help with the nursery. Also coming up in early December are 2 baby showers. I'm fairly certain I'll end up offending someone, if not multiple people, by completely forgetting to put them on the list to invite...not intentionally, of course, but because I am just that scatterbrained these days. That is my huge ridiculous fear.

I am now 30.5 weeks....only 9.5 weeks to go! And I am uber emotional! And I am HUGE! Belly shots will be coming soon. Hell, baby will be coming soon too! Can you believe how fast the time has flown?

Speaking of time, I'd better get to bed. I need all the sleep I can get these days.