Sunday, January 13, 2008

Sadness and Joy

No baby yet, but it looks like a far closer race between birth and death than any of us would wish for. I'm pretty sure birth will occur first, but unfortunately the joy and sadness will be pretty intermingled.

They already are.

Mimi has agreed to go into hospice and hopefully they'll be able to make her very comfortable at home. She is pretty much no longer able to do anything on her own- last night WB and I had to run out there at 1am (she couldn't get my Dad on the phone, who was sleeping in the next room) to cover her with more blankets...blankets that are situated on a chair beside the recliner she sleeps in. That's about where we're at now, she can't even reach right next to her to get a blanket when she's cold. Sitting upright isn't even always doable- she's been doing the world's best leaning tower of Pisa impression lately. Dad says that she fell out of the wheelchair today and now needs to be strapped in. I don't even know what to say...its more heartbreaking than you could ever even imagine, and to be going through it while on the verge of becoming a mother myself...well, needless to say my emotional state is pretty damn fragile.

At the beautiful blessingway that was thrown for me last wed (which I totally wanted to get to write about), I feel like I created a space for joy amidst all the grief. It has been incredibly challenging to maintain that space and not let it be overwhelmed by grief and sadness. I don't want to birth my baby in sadness- I don't want his story to begin that way.

Fuck, I don't want any of this story to be happening this way.

I guess I don't really have a choice, do I?

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am thinking of you and wishing that I lived closer, just in case you needed anything. I have a new nickname for you: The Inadvertent Superwoman, because life keeps throwing stuff at you, and somehow you still manage to be splendid you. I am proud of you for everyone that you are taking care of right now, including Mimi and LFM, and I know Dad and WB, too. I wish I could be closer so that you could be nurtured, yourself, Cousin. You know, bring you chocolate chip cookies and such and make you the center of attention, even if just for a little while. I miss you! Mr. P says, "hi" and is 16 months old now! Sending you a big hug and warm thoughts from the Lone Star, Tzuzu.

Laurie said...

Hello my beautiful, love and look at you! So beautiful. I pray to have an ounce of your strength as I go through my own experience. But let me speak of Mimi and that situation....first let me say, Hopsice is a good thing. A difficult thing, but a good thing. And I recomment you read the cheesy literature they give in a folder. I refused for days and then sat down at my dad's dinig room table while I listeded to him breath in the next room and made myself. It was my first step towrds TRUE acceptance. I mean, how can one say they weren't acceptting the death of a man who could not longer stand, who's breathing was labored.....? I mean, I knew...I just hadn't really accepted. Who wants to? Regardless, there was a peace in the death process. A letting go of the confines of pain. I suddenly realized, my sadness of loss was so much...but the happiness I felt for my father to be free was there, too. There is life in death. So much of it, love, And you are being presented with the intermingling of two lives. A bizarre blessing to be sure. But the love you will feel...allow it all in. And know, we are...those that love you...here and there, in spirit and in person all putting our arms around you, lifting you up, whispering strength in your ear and just loving you,

Robinitaface said...

I know we've only really seen each other in passing, and experienced each other through words on screens, but I must say:

You're amazing. You're beautiful. We are only given what we have the strength to handle - so you must be one of the strongest women alive.

I hope I'm not overstepping (or even stating the obvious) when I say that Birth and Death are natural cycles of life. Is it strangely soothing that they are both occurring so near to each other, and you have chosen to have them take place at home? I'm really bad at this, so please forgive if i trip over my words. You are in the extraordinary position to be going through the most intense experiences a woman can go through - at the same time. Please allow yourself to experience the emotions that come with them. All of them.

Please continue to use the support system you have in place to make sure *you* are taken care of while you take care of Mimi and your dad.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I don't have anything to say except I am thinking of you. Hold on.

Liz

hoosier steve said...

You and Mimi (MF) are always in my thoughts. love ya

Janine Serresseque said...

Sweet child, this will all make sense someday. Each strange, jagged fragment of your life, when you look at it by itself, makes no sense. Time makes it all fit together. You can look at the puzzle later, when all the pieces have fallen into place. Right now, just love your mom with all your might, and take care of yourself. That's your job right now. You are loved immensely.